DVD Review: Hatchet

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Hatchet (2007)–*
DVD Review

Hatchet is a film for serious, hardcore horror fans, but a film for no one else. Released by Anchor Bay for a very limited theatrical run in September, Hatchet, I thought at the time, was a film that demanded a wide release. It got into the Tribeca Film Festival, after all. But watching the film play out, with it’s hyped-up gore and little sense of suspense, it’s easy to see just how wrong a film that claims to be Old School American Horror got it.

The film follows a group of New Orleans tourists who go on a haunted swamp tour. A urine swilling fisherman lets us know that the boat shouldn’t go into the swamp because it is closed and because of Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder). The tourists don’t hear this though, and none of them except Marybeth (Tamara Feldman) knows the truth about the swamp. Her only concern, though, is finding her brother and father, both of whom we know already know to be dead at the hands of Crowley thanks to a vicious opening sequence. When the boat hits some rocks and gets stuck in the swamp, Marybeth tells the tourists about Crowley and they all must run for their lives.

So who is Crowley? He’s certainly nothing special, except for his ability to rip a human skull apart at the jaw bone. His story is that of a terribly disfigured son, cared for by his single father in the swamp until a tragic (and ridiculous) accident involving a…ahem…hatchet. Crowley is assumed dead, but sticks around as an incarnate specter.

Yes, an incarnate specter with superhuman powers and a penchant for tearing people limb from limb, quite literally. Being someone not inclined to enjoy human carnage in my horror films, I was shocked to find the overblown slaughter scenes with outrageous gore were in fact the only parts of Hatchet worth watching.

Hatchet gets its gore right, but without context and without characters worth rooting for the film merely appears to be pandering to an audience of blood-thirsty torture porn fans. It doesn’t have a villain with much mystique like a Jason Voorhees or a Michael Myers, meaning Victor Crowley could have been banished to an anthology series like Tales from the Crypt.

Tales, however, has a slightly humorous bent to it. Hatchet couldn’t been less funny if it tried. Unfortunately, its a film that’s written like an entry on CollegeHumor.com. I’m sure there’s an audience for a frat boy-directed gore fest, but I’m hoping this film never finds it. I’d hate to know that Hatchet 2 was a legitimate possibility.

Self-fellating Featurettes:
A Twisted Tale, Anatomy Of A Kill, Guts & Gore Meeting Victor Crowley, & The Making Of Hatchet

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